Hiding

Infertility has taught me to hide. 

• Today was much worse for me than it was for Dave. In fact, Dave was just fine! I had to hide from him my anguish over the fact that the man I believe will be the best father in the world still isn't a father. 
• I have to walk back into the office after using the bathroom and finding out that yet again, this month's treatments didn't work. I hide my pain and continue my work, acting like nothing out of the ordinary just happened. 
• I have to hide my emotion when a child takes my hand and walks with me or sits on my lap or asks me to read a book with them. I'd give anything to have that with one of my own children. 
• I try to hide my jealous stares at pregnant women's bellies.
• In my day planner I write, "Resolve," instead of "Support Group Meeting," hiding the fact that I attend a support group from anyone who may glance at my day planner. 
• I hide my feelings when I'm with friends or family and they talk about their children.
• I act happy when I hear pregnancy announcements or attend baby showers or meet a friend or family member's newborn baby. Of course I am happy for them, but I'm also experiencing a lot of pain.
• I hide my real situation whenever another new acquaintance asks, "Do you have kids?"
• I hide my terrible fear of surgery whenever I talk to someone about my upcoming surgery.

All of this hiding is exhausting. Thankfully, I have this blog where I can disclose many of the things I usually keep hidden.