What Not to Say...

Every infertility blog has this post at some point. It's really a necessity since we Infertiles often have salt rubbed in our wounds when people say things that are insensitive or even offensive when we finally muster up the courage to share our infertility with them. Here's what not to say to someone who's living with infertility:

• "Just relax." or "Decrease your stress and then it will happen." or "Go on a vacation and then it will happen."- I can't count how many vacations Dave and I have been on over the past 5 1/2 years of our infertility. No pregnancy yet! Even numerous medical professionals have told me this one. I want to make this clear: Infertility is a disease. It's a medical condition that you don't just think away. 
• "You're young!" - Telling me that I have plenty of time to have children later dismisses the pain that I'm going through now. You also don't know how loudly I hear my biological clock ticking, telling me that I'm not young and that my childbearing years are running out. 
• "Why don't you adopt?" - Adoption is not a band-aid. It doesn't change the fact that you're infertile. It also often takes couples a looong time to come to terms with the fact that they will not have biological children. The idea of not having children that look like you, that have inherited some of your quirks, talents or physical features, is not easy to accept. Adoption is not cheap, either. It isn't something that you can wake up one morning and decide to do. The cost ranges from $15K to $50K. Couples have to save up for years and years to bring a child into their family. It feels even more unfair when most everyone you know can do that for free. 
• "I know someone who adopted and then got pregnant right after that!" See above. Adoption is not a "trick" that couples can use to then end up with their "own" children.  What adopted child would want to feel that way? 
• "Well, at least _________." - Whatever you insert in the blank here entirely denies the reality of my suffering. Life isn't a scale where if you have more on the blessings side, it negates the trials side. Those trials are still big and real and aren't washed away by saying, "At least you have plenty of one-on-one time with your husband and can sleep through the night." 
• "Being a mom isn't easy." or "You can have my kids!" - I know it isn't easy. I still want it. More than anything. Your joke about your willingness to give up your kids hurts even more. People who don't want or value their children makes Infertiles feel even more acutely the unfairness of all of this. 
• "Do you know how to do it?" - Ugh. Crass and not funny at all.
• "God must have other plans for you." or "Maybe God is trying to teach you ______ from this." - Bringing God into it in this way makes Him a mean God who is responsible for our suffering. I prefer to think of God as my friend in this, someone who absolutely doesn't want to see me suffer, but who comforts me and shares my grief.
• "Just be patient. It took me six months on clomid to get pregnant. I know what it feels like." - Please don't try to make yourself an authority on infertility or minimize what I'm going through by comparing it to your story. That really doesn't help me relate to you or feel any better.
• "Maybe you're not ready yet." - Maybe I'm not, but I'm a LOT more ready than most. I have read dozens of books and articles about pregnancy and childbirth, I've interviewed OB-GYNs and midwives, I've visited their labor and delivery units, I have names for all of my five children picked out, I've got a baby room all decorated, stocked and ready to go, and I have a basement full of toys and children's clothes. Besides, name one person who really is ready for a baby?

What TO do:

• Empathize. Share my sorrow. Seek to understand. Cry with me. 
• Do something. Saying, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you!" doesn't do anything for me. Doing something, anything, would mean the world to me.