I am about two weeks late for Infertility Awareness Week, but I still wanted to participate in my own way. This year RESOLVE is challenging bloggers to raise awareness about infertility by busting myths about infertility on our blogs. My myth is for people who are already painfully aware of infertility, so it doesn't necessarily fit the tag, "raising awareness," but here it is anyway:
He isn't suffering.
Many women struggling with infertility feel alone and unsupported by their husbands/partners because it appears that they aren't suffering or even that they don't care. In most cases, he is in fact suffering, he is just coping in a very different way. Women cope by talking (a lot!), crying (a lot!) and researching and reading all they can on the subject. You often won't find men doing any of those things when facing a problem like infertility. Instead, they might try to pretend that the problem doesn't exist and so they won't want to talk about it. They might retreat to TV or other distractions to avoid thinking or talking about it. I don't think that you'd find a single male that would pick up a book on infertility on his own and read about it. They also might feel uncomfortable seeing a doctor about it. When women want to talk about infertility, men will often try to "fix" rather than listen. They might feel like they need to be "the strong one" and so they won't allow themselves to show any emotion. All of this contributes to women feeling unsupported and alone in their suffering. We often go a step beyond that and think, "He isn't the one going through all of the humiliating and uncomfortable tests and treatments. He doesn't get that awful reminder every month. He doesn't understand." Well, no, he might not be going through exactly what you're going through regarding getting a period and having yet another male doctor look around "down there," but he can share your pain in still being childless. He is feeling it, he just might not know how to show it or articulate it. When talking about infertility with my husband, our conversations equate to about 200 sentences to 1. For example, I go on and on about our new medication, everything Dr. Stanford said about it, everything I read online about it, what so-and-so said about it, how soon I think it will work, and how I feel about it, and after I have completely exhausted the subject, I ask, "What are your thoughts?" and he says, "I feel good about it." End of conversation. :)
I think that most couples dealing with infertility could use some help with their communication. In the Infertility Awareness Event that I attended a couple of weeks ago, this subject was addressed and the women were invited to ask their husbands/partners, "How are you coping?" I believe that this will open the doors to many meaningful conversations between couples and hopefully lead to healing some relationships.
To learn more about infertility, visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
To learn more about Infertility Awareness Week, visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge
I'm glad you addressed this myth. Some food for thought, from the male perspective:
ReplyDeleteWhen I went to Pompeii many years ago, there was something I saw that was very striking to me. The volcanic tragedy took place so quickly that people didn't have time to do much of anything except gather where they were immediately. As the architects unearthed the city, they would come across pockets in the hardened ash. They poured plaster into these pockets to determine what had been there once, as what was once inside had long since turned to dust itself. Many of these revealed people in their final positions in this world.
One family was huddled together. The mother with her arms around the children, the father trying to hold everybody.
That's what good husbands and fathers do. We have a mindset of needing to help, protect, and serve everybody in the family.
The pain felt by a wife going through infertility is not unknown to the husband. Yes, we cope with it in different ways. But sometimes we do have to set it aside, as you mentioned, because while we may not have children yet, we still have a family to help, protect, and serve.
I still don't know what hurts more: dealing with infertility or seeing my wife have to deal with it.
My one sentence to your 200 indicates my desire for you to feel understood, loved, listened to.
I love you.
Hmm, this is really an angle that many people will not regard as a myth but as you have succinctly cleared it for many couples! I also agree with the angle that a more open conversation about the problem will help couples to better tackle it. Maybe the men will need some more education in this area.
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