Normal

In two weeks it will have been 5 years that Dave and I have been living with infertility. This trial has taught me that a person can get used to anything. What used to be devastating is now just normal. My reaction to my infertility has changed a lot over the years. I have stopped crying my eyes out every month. I have stopped checking out stacks of books on infertility from the library. I have stopped spending hours online reading about infertility. I have stopped researching midwives and birthing methods and planning out how my childbirth is going to go. I have stopped caring about what day of my cycle it is. I have stopped praying for a baby. I have stopped trying to gain weight to enhance my fertility. I have stopped over-analyzing every weird feeling I have and telling myself that I'm pregnant. I refuse to do any more pregnancy tests. I feel that some of these changes are healthy and some of them are just plain sad. I have been really sad lately thinking about this upcoming 5-year mark. It feels like a big deal to me. Five years is a long time to be battling your biological clock, too. I wonder how big our family will be as I get older and older without having children. We have both always wanted a large family and it feels like that dream is slipping away, too. I am still hopeful, though. I think that after 5 years a lot of people might have given up. I still feel that we are close to the end of all of this. It's just painful thinking about how long and difficult this road has already been...